Around 100 years before Jesus brought the mullet back, Julius Caesar came flying out of his mother, Aurelia’s, stomach in the world’s first Caesarian section. As a two-month old he started talking, which was very rare at that time (talking that is), his first words were “double down!” And although no one at the time knew what he was saying, these first words not only were a foresight of everything that would happen in his life, including an insane link to the number two.
In his teens Caesar created a new game that he called Black Jack after his brother Jack Caesar who was tragically burned to death by two escaped zoo monkeys with torches. This game involving a 52-card deck, focused on accumulating the highest score less than 22. The game swept the Roman Empire and beyond, becoming especially popular as a gambling contest between gypsies and pirates. Pirates had always intrigued young Caesar, so much so that he decided to sail to Greece in search of the Dread Pirate Roberts. Near the Isle of Sicily, the Dread Pirate Roberts captured Caesar’s vessel. Since their hostage was so famous, the pirates sent an unbelievably high ransom letter (believed to be 22 billion US Dollars) to the people of Rome for the life of their great game inventor.
The Romans did not know what to do, so they decided to hold a fundraising benefit for young Caesar, where they would play his game Black Jack for money against what they called the “house.” If the dealer won, the money went towards the ransom, if the player won, he got to keep the money. Things were going well with the Roman’s new gambling venture, so well that they needed to move into a larger space to hold all of the black jack tables, and Caesar’s Palace was born.
Meanwhile, back on the pirate ship, Caesar befriended many of the pirates. He also noticed that although very strong from their high diet in protein, they were severely malnourished and many of them suffered from scurvy due to a lack of citrus fruit and vegetables. Caesar offered to help the Dread Pirate Roberts and his crew by making them a delicious vegetable dish that would both satisfy and nourish if the pirates would lower the ransom by $2 million. The Dread Pirate Roberts agreed to these terms and Caesar went to work in the kitchen.
He used the juice from lemons, vinegar, olive oil, egg and romaine lettuce to create a healthy salad dish. The Romans paid the ransom to the pirates and Caesar was set free. When Caesar returned to Rome, he introduced his salad to his countrymen and was instantly made a senator. The community decided to keep Caesar’s Palace open to help fund a new retractable-roof Coliseum, and due to the salad and black jack, Caesar was the most loved citizen in town to almost everyone.
As his popularity grew, the Romans decided to name him the Dictator, a move which angered several Senators including one name Brutus “the Barber” Beefcake, who was Rome’s most famous hair stylist and shot put thrower. Brutus, along with 62 other conspirators decided to assassinate Caesar by hiding scissors in their togas and stabbing him while he was taking a deuce. Only two of the 62 men could fit in the toilet stall with Caesar though, so Brutus and his friend Earl who was known in Rome as “the Ultimate Warrior” stabbed Caesar eleven times each. They left the restroom believing Caesar was dead.
Caesar was still alive.
His dear friend and head of security, Patrickulus Swayzilus (whom Caesar called “Swayze”) found him crumpled and bleeding on the bathroom floor. He had heard Brutus’ call that Caesar was dead, and Rome was now in a state of disarray. Swayze knew that he must take Caesar into hiding, far away from Rome. So Swayze and Caesar boarded a ship headed towards a place called Kansas City. Along the long trek Caesar had healed well, although the loss of blood had affected his brain function, and he now said everything in duplicate. Besides Caesar’s double-talk, things seemed to be looking up for the duo. Swayze had been offered a security job at a nearby night club called the Double Deuce, and Caesar was brought on as the head bartender.
The club wasn’t doing so well though, it was still 42 B.C. and the new world hadn’t caught on in popularity. But Caesar and Swayze were determined to stick it out. Caesar began working on a new drink that would bring in people from all over the world and cause pirates to commit suicide. Caesar started with the juice of an orange, crushed ice, syrup and vanilla. It was scrumptious, it was cold, it was perfect for the hot Kansas City afternoons…it was the “Orange Orange Julius Julius,” (although they shortened it to the Orange Julius).
The drink grew so popular that roughnecks from around the globe flocked to the Double Deuce, causing bar fights and stab wounds to Swayze. Caesar knew he must alter his elixir to give Swayze exceptionally long life, so he added the egg of a California condor to the mixture and fed it to only himself and Swayze. As long as they drank the special condor-egg mixture of the Orange Julius, it appeared as if they never aged, in fact this special elixir had now made the duo immortal.
After about 2,000 years, Caesar grew tired of the violence that the Double Deuce offered and he decided to open his own chain of Orange Julius stands inside the safer confines of shopping malls all over America. He would offer the Julius with a chicken egg to some, which would give them a boost of energy, but he never made the condor-egg Julius for anyone else but himself and Swayze.
While walking through the mall one day, he noticed a new chain of restaurants called Sbarro. This restaurant served pizza by the slice and Caesar thought that a slice simply wasn’t enough pizza to satisfy a mortal man. Caesar sold his beverage business and used some of the proceeds to open a pizza place, called Caesar’s Pizza. His idea was simple, to offer fantastic pizza at a bargain basement price. Things didn’t start off very great for Caesar though, and he was forced to enlist the help of outside investors.
However, in meetings with his investors all he could say was “Pizza Pizza!” The investors interpreted that as an offer of two pizzas to every customer, as they didn’t understand Caesar’s mental condition. Caesar was enraged by their lack of communication. The investors thought that Caesar had gone mad. They knew that Caesar was the face of the company and without his name they had little chance of making the business profitable, but they also knew that the two pizza idea could revolutionize the pizza industry. Caesar didn’t think that his workers could make pizzas that fast, but the investors had another idea. They thought that they could possibly clone these pizzas through a super-charged radiation machine. They sought the help of famed scientist, Dr. Emmett “Doc” Brown, who, only a few years earlier had created a time machine out of a DeLorean with stolen radioactive material. Doc was just the man for the job.
Doc secretly built the Pizza Duplicator for the investors, but they didn’t tell Caesar. They knew that this kind of technology would only cause him to be more difficult. When Doc completed the Pizza Duplicator, the investors invited Caesar to the unveiling of the machine. When he arrived, Caesar took one look at Doc and one look at the machine and he knew what was going on. Quickly, Doc turned on the switch and the machine started duplicating pizzas. Caesar instantly grabbed a 2 iron from a golf bag and started smashing every instrument he could find. He ran towards the nuclear power source. Doc screamed at Caesar, “Don’t hit that! It’s 2.22 gigawatts!” but Caesar didn’t listen.
Caesar smashed the power source, causing a brilliant flash of light seen all over the earth. The machine was broken, but what was even worse, Caesar had shrunk in size. The force of the blast had caused Caesar to dwindle to the size of an animal cracker. One of the investors picked his small body up and stashed him in a small jar until they could figure out what to do with him. Tragically, Caesar died in the jar the very next day, due to his inability to make a condor-egg Julius. The investors held an emergency meeting and decided that they would move on without Caesar, and rename the restaurants Little Caesar’s (in honor of their fallen founder).
The investor donated the tiny body of Caesar to the Smithsonian in 2002, where he remains on display today, on the second floor. Caesar’s friend Swayze just recently died due to a shortage of condor eggs. It has been rumored that the ghost of Swayze has been seen haunting Demi Moore’s house along with another spook that Moore’s husband, Ashton Kucher, affectionately calls “Great Caesar’s Ghost.”
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